Mama Sleep

Sleep- our little guy wants less, we want more. Before Jojo I had no idea how much I would really miss sleep. 2 years later -I still think about it and long for it daily.  I wake up in the morning so tired and remind myself that I will never sleep again the way I did before.  We are in a period of no nap lately- which is so tough.  The days are long.   I had a small victory last week and he started "rest" time in his room and that seemed to work, but suddenly he decided to use it as playtime.  So we will see how long this lasts.  I think its more than a phase (can phases last 6 months?).

Its not just the lack of sleep that I experience because of his lack of sleep.  It is deeper really- this mama sleep.  One ear open always, always.  One day, you wake up- changed forever- you are a Mama. And no one can tell you how it really is, because you won't really believe it.  And because your story will be a little bit different.  From that moment almost 2 years ago, my heart was/is full with thoughts of him.  It beats his past, present, future.

From that moment sleep and rest was different. Even though I have moments of longing for that restful, carefree, deep, lovely sleep of the past-  I find it such an sweet privelege to carry him this way.  I would not wish it any other way and it is really precious this new sleep with one ear open always, always.  Running for that late night bottle, kissing away the nightmares, laying awake at night dreaming and worrying about the future.

Knowing I am not alone, gives me strength.  I think of my mother and the mothers before those mothers and the selfless love that hones these little lives.  This selfless love that duplicates and grows up loving mothers and fathers.  What a privilege this is.  So in the wee hours of tomorrow, when I'm wiping the sleep out of my eyes I will think of these things and remember that I am blessed to say goodbye to the restful sleep and keep one ear open always, always.  goodnight